Genesis 31

Eventually, Laban caught on to Jacob’s scheme and he and his sons were pissed, so Jacob decided it was time to split. He explained the situation to Leah and Rachel, and the girls were all, we don’t owe our dad squat. He sold us to you after all. Let’s grab what we can and left. So they waited until Laban was gone on a trip and split. Rachel even took her father’s household gods.

When Laban found out they were gone, he gathered a posse to chase after them. He caught up to them a week later. Laban was all, what gives, son? Why did you sneak off? Why didn’t you let me say goodbye to my daughters and grandkids? And why on earth did you steal my household gods?  Jacob was like, look Laban, I really wanted to take my wives with me, and I didn’t think you’d let me have them, so we took off while you were gone. I don’t know nothing about any household gods. Look, if you can find them, you can have them back, and I’ll kill the cat who took ’em.

So Laban searched through everyone’s tents and things, but Rachel had stuck them in her camel’s saddle, and when he came to search it, she told him, look dad, I’m riding the crimson camel right now, so I can’t get up, and Laban was like, ew, ok.

When Laban couldn’t find the gods, Jacob got pissed and was all, what the fuck, Laban?! I have lived and worked for you for 20 years and never did a thing to hurt you, and now you come here accusing me and shit? 20 freaking years, dude. I earned these women and these goats and sheep. But Laban was all, nah man, these are still my women, my children, my goats. But let’s not fight about it. Let’s build a pillar and make up. But if you ever hurt my girls or take more wives, I’ll hunt you down and kill you. You got that, son? Jacob was like ok, whatever, sure. Then Laban kissed and blessed his daughters and grandkids and went home.

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