Genesis 27: Jacob Steal’s Esau’s Birthright

When Isaac got old, he went blind. One day, when he was feeling like the reaper was breathing on his neck, he called Esau to him and was all, Son, my time is near the end. Let me taste some of your delicious game meat stew one last time, and then I will bless you. Esau wiped away a tear away, grabbed his bow or spear or whatever and went to track down the plumpest deer he could.

Unfortunately, Rebekah overheard all this. She still had an unreasonable animus against her firstborn and she really really wanted to get that magical blessing for Jacob. So she called Jacob to her and told him to go kill some young kids so she could make a goat and lentil stew. While she was cooking, she explained her plan to trick Isaac. Jacob was, I don’t know Ma, Esau’s pretty hairy, I don’t think dad’ll fall for it. He’s blind, not stupid.  Rebekah knocked him upside the head with her ladle and told him to go put on his brother’s clothes. When he came back, she took the kid pelts and wrapped them around Jacob’s neck and arms, gave him a tray with a steaming bowl of stew on it and told him to take it in to his father.

Jacob carried the stew to his dad and was all, here’s your game meat stew, Dad. Bless me now? But Isaac was suspicious because the voice didn’t sound like Esau’s. So Isaac was, is it really you, son? How did you catch, kill, skin, butcher and cook a deer so fast? Come closer so I can hug you. Jacob bent down to hug his dad, and Isaac felt the hair on his neck and arms and of course Jacob smelled like Esau since he was wearing his clothes and washing machines and laundry detergent hadn’t been invented yet. The smell and the hair convinced Isaac, so he ate the stew and then blessed Jacob.

As soon as Jacob left, Esau came in with his stew, but his dad was all, but weren’t you just here? I ate and blessed you already! Esau was like, goddamn that bastard Jacob. Can’t you bless me too, Dad? Do you only have one blessing? Apparently the answer was yes, because Isaac blessed Esau into always being Jacob’s servant. Esau was heartbroken and pissed. He despised Jacob and started plotting to kill him.

Rebekah caught wind of Esau’s plot to kill Jacob and devised a plan to get him out of the way. She went to Isaac and said, let’s send Jacob to my brother Laban to find a wife. You know we don’t want any more Hittite daughter-in-laws. One’s enough. Isaac agreed and sent Jacob to his uncle’s to find a wife.

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