Genesis 22: The Sacrifice of Isaac

God is a totally twisted sick fuck, and decides that, since Abraham was willing to send away Ishmael to likely death, It would see what he would be willing to do to Isaac. So God tells Abraham to take Isaac off to the mountains and offer him as a burnt sacrifice. And Abraham, who is obviously suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, says, ok God, will do. He loads up a donkey with firewood and he and Isaac go off to the wilderness. He tells Isaac that they are going camping to offer burnt sacrifices to God. Isaac’s all, but where’s the lamb or kid, Dad? and Abraham is all, it’ll be there, don’t worry. When they get to the campsite, Isaac helps Abraham build the altar and starts looking around for the goat. About that time, Abraham sneaks up on his son and ties him up. Then he tosses Isaac on top of the firewood and gets out his knife. Just as he’s about to slit Isaac’s throat, an angel grabs his arm and is all, Stop! You’ve passed the test for being blindly devoted God. Don’t kill your kid, kill that ram that  just magically appeared over there. Hey, Isaac, sorry for the scare, man, but since your dad was willing to kill you, God’ll make sure you have lots of sons that inherit this land, k? We all good?

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