Genesis 9: Noah gets Drunk

Then God promised Noah not to smite the world with water again, made the sky pretty colors, and that’s where rainbows come from.

The first thing Noah did when he got off the boat was to plant a vineyard, because being stuck on that boat that long with all those people and animals really made him need a drink and he ran out of wine way too soon.

One day when Noah was testing his vintage, he drank too much, got blind drunk, probably pissed himself and took off all his clothes. While he was laying there passed out, his son Ham came along and saw his dad lying there naked, probably in a puddle of his own piss. No doubt Ham shook his head in disgust and then went and told his brothers Shem and Japeth that dad was passed out drunk again. Shem and Japeth were felt bad for their dad and closed their eyes and threw a blanket over him. When Noah sobered up enough to speak coherently, he was completely  humiliated that he passed out naked and pissed himself, but instead of owning it, he took it out on Ham, whom he cursed to be a slave to his brothers forever.

And because Ham gets associated with Africa, Europeans used this story to justify enslaving people from Africa for centuries. Tada!

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